Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
