Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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