your parents love me but you hate me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
as a side note pls kill me
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