Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
