I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
