yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I have aggressive nipples.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
