I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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