My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
