You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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