Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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