evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
