you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
