I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
