When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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