now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Operation Purity has been aborted
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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