ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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