Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize