I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
