Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
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Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
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You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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