even my farts smell like vagina
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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