If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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