My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have grass duct taped all over my body
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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