I accidentally had phone sex last night
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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