i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
