I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
