The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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