just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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