and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize