Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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