cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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