Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
