Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
