Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
