i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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