Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
