just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
