if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
