Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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