She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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