The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
