If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
