I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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