know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
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At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
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I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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