I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
