omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
