yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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