I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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