Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
