Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
cat food counts as protein by the way
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
