I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
