All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
