this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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