So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
This baby is an asshole
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My feet surprised me
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