Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
