so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
