Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
