Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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