She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Found the puke drawer
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
