Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
